DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Christie," just started her freshman year in college. She's a little overwhelmed and trying to adjust. She is smart, focused and mature.
Christie's biggest problem is it seems that all the other students in her dorm want to do is party. They buy alcohol with fake IDs and sneak it in.
Christie has told the others that she's not a partyer, and has been focusing on her work while her roommate and suitemates drink and miss classes. This makes my daughter not only unhappy, but also feel isolated. I talk to her every day to reassure her that she will find "her" group of friends. Is there anything else I could advise? -- CHRISTIE'S MOM
DEAR SAD DELUSIONAL CHRISTIE'S MOM:
There are only one of two possible truth's here. Possibility A is that your daughter is lying on the floor of a frat house right now with a red SOLO cup full of an undisclosed alcoholic beverage in one hand and a cock in the other. She's lying to you so that you won't know about the hours a week she spends playing beer pong and find my panties in the pile in the corner. (Hint: Start writing her name in the tag, she'll appreciate you in the future.) Its a classic diversion tactic. She knows that you're going to worry about something, so why not worry about how she's spending so much time expanding her intellect that the bad girls are staying away from her. Perfect cover.
Possibility B is that she is really ugly and no one wants to hang out with her anyway. This works out better for you because since all of the fun and interesting people want nothing to do with her she really will study and therefor be able to afford to put you in a nice rest home just before you die. Rest easy in that.
Advise her to keep condoms and pepper spray in her purse or to start saving up for a boob job now.
Yours,
N. Sowl
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