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DEAR ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS
DEAR IT SUCKS TO BE YOU: Normally in a situation like this I would recommend a classic pimp slap*. Seeing that you are riding dirty on a scooty puff 3000 I’m guessing that you might not be running any marathons any time soon. Crippling emotional abuse may be a much better solution in this case. I would make it a point to call her fat at least twice daily as well as criticizing her cooking, house keeping, child rearing, hair, wardrobe, decorating, job skills, and cognitive abilities. Also steel money out of her purse. She probably keeps at least fifty bucks on her for the guy she is seeing that can get it up without a pump.
On a (slightly) more serious note. This is elder abuse. You are a grown ass man. You have the right not to wear panties. If you have never worn panties before I would give it a try but you should have other underwear options. I’m sure you’ve wacked a few foreigners in order to keep
*Pimp slap instructions: Pull back, tuck the thumb, release
Yours,
N. Sowl
