that's pretty fucked up right there

Find out what Abby had to say about this one. Click here. (Click that right now!!!)

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.

Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.

What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS

DEAR IT SUCKS TO BE YOU: Normally in a situation like this I would recommend a classic pimp slap*. Seeing that you are riding dirty on a scooty puff 3000 I’m guessing that you might not be running any marathons any time soon. Crippling emotional abuse may be a much better solution in this case. I would make it a point to call her fat at least twice daily as well as criticizing her cooking, house keeping, child rearing, hair, wardrobe, decorating, job skills, and cognitive abilities. Also steel money out of her purse. She probably keeps at least fifty bucks on her for the guy she is seeing that can get it up without a pump.

On a (slightly) more serious note. This is elder abuse. You are a grown ass man. You have the right not to wear panties. If you have never worn panties before I would give it a try but you should have other underwear options. I’m sure you’ve wacked a few foreigners in order to keep America safe or some other stuff that old people are always going on about. It’s demoralizing and painful and its not something you should have to be worried about. Especially seeing that you’ll be dead soon. Contact one of your children or other trusted family members as soon as possible for help. If there is no one you trust you can contact the National Center on Elder Abuse. If that still doesn’t work charge up that scooter and drive until you reach Canada. Free meds!

*Pimp slap instructions: Pull back, tuck the thumb, release

Yours,

N. Sowl

it's all about me, me, me, me, me, me

Here is a classic for Ann Landers. Sadly, she passed away some time ago. That does not make her immune! Click here to see what she had to say. (CLICK IT!!!)

Dear Ann Landers: Here's another letter about parents who complain that their grown children are ignoring them. Five years ago, my in-laws retired and moved away. Since then, our phone bill has tripled because my husband calls them once a week. They never call us. We visit them one week a year. The airfare is $750; the rental car is $300; and we must take our in-laws out for dinner — which is another $125. Why don't we visit more often? We can't afford it.

We have given up things just to make ends meet. If we don't visit enough or call enough, please remember that we are on a fixed income, too. We try very hard to stay in touch, but my in-laws make no effort to do the same. They have not been to our home once since they retired.

We would love to see more of his parents, but we just don't have the money. Please tell your senior readers to spend some of that inheritance and visit their children now and then. — Hartford, Conn.

Dear Selfish Cunt: You sound like a penny pinching bitch. Yes I call you both a cunt and a bitch in less than ten words. That's because I'm taking it easy on you. I get it if you not that into spending you hard earned cash on your in-laws, but it sounds like they are an important part of you husbands life. Probably because your always complaining that he spends too much money on two-ply toilet paper and heart medication. You know the extravagant things.

If your husband's happiness is not more important to you than the itemized list of expenses that you have obviously painstakingly kept track of then maybe you should ask him to have his parents come down. Just because they haven't offered doesn't mean they are unwilling. Either way I say its only money and get over it.

Yours,

N. Sowl

he's just not that into you

To see what ABBY said click here. (Really! Click it!!!)

DEAR ****: I was engaged for 18 months to "Jerry," a man I wanted to marry. We become engaged after dating for six months, but we had known each other three years before becoming romantically involved.

A few weeks ago, Jerry announced that he wants to end our engagement because he is going through a "selfish period" in his life and wants to be able to go out without feeling guilty.

I believe Jerry is seeing someone else, but he is adamant that this is only for him -- his chance to be independent. He said he wants me to give him a chance to possibly rekindle our relationship in a year. I don't know if I'm willing to do that. Any advice? -- BROKENHEARTED IN PHOENIX

DEAR SILVER MEDAL: To put your mind at ease I am fairly sure the “Jerry” is not screwing any one else…yet. What he has politely said to you is “I can probably do much much better than you and I don’t think any one else wants to put there dick in you any time soon.” He’s told you that he’s going through a selfish period. He is a male, 6am – 10pm is a selfish period.

The good new is that there is a slim chance he really could be one of those evolved emo guys that is in touch with his feelings and wants to explore his true self and other new age bullshit. The bad news is you’d be dating an emo guy, and if that’s the case please run into traffic, you have nothing to live for.

If you were really hot he wouldn’t be looking elsewhere and you wouldn’t be putting up with him saying this crazy shit to you. My guess is you can’t be more than a 6 on a 1 to 10 scale. So my suggestion is spend this year doing crunches and reading self help books. In the year it takes him to realize that you were the best he can do you’ll be out of his league.

Yours,

N. Sowl

the raggedy ass myspace page of the week

Not only is there re-damn-diculous-ness to be found in the advice columns but I will do my best to share with you everything foolish from around the world. This dude's MySpace page is a great place to start.

Pink suit, check. Gerbil skin coat, check. Unattractive white girl with more self esteem than she's entitled to, double check. I think we have classified a prime example of Pimpious Fake-asseous. Also know by it's common name, Tired Mothafucka.

Yours,

N. Sowl

your daughter is a slut AND a liar

Here is a letter Abby received from a concerned mother. Click here if you want to see what Abby replied with.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Christie," just started her freshman year in college. She's a little overwhelmed and trying to adjust. She is smart, focused and mature.

Christie's biggest problem is it seems that all the other students in her dorm want to do is party. They buy alcohol with fake IDs and sneak it in.

Christie has told the others that she's not a partyer, and has been focusing on her work while her roommate and suitemates drink and miss classes. This makes my daughter not only unhappy, but also feel isolated. I talk to her every day to reassure her that she will find "her" group of friends. Is there anything else I could advise? -- CHRISTIE'S MOM

DEAR SAD DELUSIONAL CHRISTIE'S MOM:

There are only one of two possible truth's here. Possibility A is that your daughter is lying on the floor of a frat house right now with a red SOLO cup full of an undisclosed alcoholic beverage in one hand and a cock in the other. She's lying to you so that you won't know about the hours a week she spends playing beer pong and find my panties in the pile in the corner. (Hint: Start writing her name in the tag, she'll appreciate you in the future.) Its a classic diversion tactic. She knows that you're going to worry about something, so why not worry about how she's spending so much time expanding her intellect that the bad girls are staying away from her. Perfect cover.

Possibility B is that she is really ugly and no one wants to hang out with her anyway. This works out better for you because since all of the fun and interesting people want nothing to do with her she really will study and therefor be able to afford to put you in a nice rest home just before you die. Rest easy in that.

Advise her to keep condoms and pepper spray in her purse or to start saving up for a boob job now.

Yours,

N. Sowl

Hiya!

OK. I've promised myself and the world that I would re-enter the blogosphere. And since I always keep my promises, (except for going to the gym, drinking less, donating more to charity, watching fewer than 4 hours of porn per day, and that one time when I promised to take that dying orphan boy to the zoo) HERE I AM!!!

What's with the title you ask? (Maybe you didn't ask but I need a way to segway into the theme of this fucker.) I've been addicted to advice columns for years. But my problem is that Dear Abby, Anne Landers, and Dear Margo (who all happen to be related) all spout the same politically correct advice and it all comes from one prospective. Here is what I've wanted to say to these people who in most cases lack the ability to make simple decisions about there own lives. So sit back and enjoy the ride!